On Listening

What does it mean to validate someone's argument or position? What does it mean to listen in a non-judgmental way?

I was thinking about this on the drive home today, about re-reading an e-mail that was sent by a staff person with a very respectful tone to it, while still raising concerns. My comfort-zone response would have been to solve the problem specifically and directly, but I held off for a bit. Let the thought simmer in my brain for a while on low heat.

This staff person shared concerns (nothing life or death) that were about supporting staff in what they're doing during times of crisis--when feeling overwhelmed, under-supported, and under-appreciated in an effort to maintain consistency for our students. All great points.

I read the e-mail twice. Well-worded, positive, solution-focused. So many of the staff we have are superb communicators! They and I share the same big-picture perspective, and I wanted to validate the writer's thoughts (not for the exercise but to share in my agreement). So I wrote more of an over-arching perspective which I know we all share (staff training and culture) while offering my ability to step in and directly work with students. While I'm being vague here on purpose (anonymity), I'm reminded of our approach with our students.

One of the DBT tools we ask our autistic students to use in interpersonal effectiveness is the acronym GIVE. From psychologist Marsha Linehan, GIVE stands for be Gentle, act Interested, Validate, use an Easy manner. Our students use this in their quiver of tools when building social skills, solving problems, and advocating--it's pretty universal.

I kept thinking about this on my drive home. Part of the wonder of working with students on the Autism Spectrum is how much we as caregivers and teachers can learn from the process. It's inspiring trying out the tools and learning in parallel with our kids. It's also great for decreasing stress and conflict! How often I am inspired by our students' work! I sit here thinking about the ability to listen without judging, without being threatened, without closing our ears or thinking ahead. This teaching is universal and often happens in both directions--caregiver to Autism Spectrum Disorder student and back. I'm fortunate for that! In typing this, I'm looking for some way to wrap up this post, but I think it's better left open, allowing us to ponder and marinate this thought in our heads. My inner self-talk says, listen, pause, reflect...I have two ears and one mouth, use them proportionately, especially with our students.