Conflict Today...

Math teacher struggles with Carlos who complained again about how she teaches…And she reacted by kicking him out...Torpedoed the relationship.

Didn’t ask him to take a break and process with a coach.

Didn’t flex and model how to resolve conflict in a mature way.

Didn’t pause and breathe…

So he got the fight he wanted--and fell on old patterns of behavior--If I’m a jerk to the teacher, at least I know what’s coming...

Our kids want predictability and structure, not chaos and uncertainty. Our Autism kids have ineffective patterns of reacting in order to make their world more predictable vs. If I try to do something successfully and fail, what’s the point?

When it comes to problem-solving, our students’ myopic view on an event blinds them from seeing context. They don’t think of setting, timing, or how the other person in the conversation might receive their comments. They don’t think, “Am I criticizing someone in front of a group and therefore shaming them? Am I approaching someone in a respectful manner so I’m listened to? Am I pausing before launching into a 90 mph barrage of words and vulgarity?” The teacher didn’t do this as well.

The limbic response in our kids requires us to be their cognition--whether parent, teacher, or coach. We have to pick up on little signs (volume, tone, body language, self-stimming) that lets us know our kid is in a limbic state. We have to be our student’s cognition when our kids are in a limbic state, and then we can help them back to the rational, thinking brain.

In my conversation with the math teacher (who was mostly venting to our lead teacher) I sat and listened quietly, every now and then reinforcing the teacher’s comments about holding boundaries and standards in the classroom. I’ll approach Carlos tomorrow and in a calm manner use 3 + 1 (3 positives and 1 constructive comment) to start a conversation about solutions and a way to move forwards in math. I’ll do the same with the teacher. We’ll see how it goes!