Conflict Resolved--Deposits in the Emotional Bank Account

Math teacher and student. Two weeks later. And a relationship that came from the teacher being consistent in reaching out to work with the student.

Our student Carlos hasn't approached me complaining about the teacher since their disagreement. Part of the process of them growing more effective as teacher and student is the teacher choosing to find ways to compliment Carlos each day on work that he is accomplishing or praising him when he asks for help. The teacher is reaching out--using a 3 to 1 compliment-to-constructive feedback ratio to keep the student's ears open.

We sometimes call this making deposits in the emotional bank account. This strategy is key when getting to know our Autism students or when building bridges after a conflict. On a personal note, I've had to do this PLENTY of times when, in an emotionally tired state, I've barked at a student who was having a bad day or struggling--not the effective way to handle things as a teacher!

And once we realize this, it's time to extend an olive branch and apologize. "John, I don't like how I approached you in our conversation and I apologize for raising my voice. Can we talk so that I can do a better job showing you respect when we have a disagreement?" It's something like this. Reaching out. Taking the blame as the adult when disagreeing with a teen or child. And then rebuilding. I still think of a time when I massively barked at a student while pointing my finger (bad move...) in the hallway (fortunately only a para around, no students). That mistake still hits me hard not only because of the repair work I had to do, but because it set the student back on his progress. I was responsible for that.

Deposits in the emotional bank account are key to building the relationship with our Autism kids. The 3 to 1 compliment-to-constructive comment way of approaching our autistic students has to be genuine or our kids will see through it, and then trust is destroyed when we come across as fake. Some say a 5 to 1 ratio is more effective and might need to be written out ahead of time in preparation. Either way, I love seeing students and teachers building trust in each other, even after a blowup. The teacher and Carlos were able to move forwards. Carlos learned to get help from the teacher and is doing well in class.

Comment below if you have similar stories. And we will all keep up the trust building and repair work!